Sno Ball image courtesy of Urban Wanderer
It’s 4th of July weekend. America, our America, land of Stars and Stripes tees, anemic hot dogs in buns, pudgy dogs in red collars, porky men in too-tight shorts, yellow-haired children clutching glowing light sabers, whistling Chinese fireworks in the sky, and cold beer.
Top 10 ways you can tell you’re in Baltimore on Independence Day Weekend:
10)Cash-poor police department installs sobriety check on Interstate 395 to challenge all drivers entering Charm City.
9) Harbor water mysteriously turns color. Fishy-smelling grey is now fishy-smelling aquamarine.
Patriotic visitors strolling the harbor observe a 15-foot cell phone, supposedly the world’s largest, thanks to fireworks sponsor CricKet. Wild rock music plays, people are invited to make the “biggest call of their lives”
7) To witness the Harbor fireworks display, multilingual families camp out 10 hours before showtime on the lawn within ear blast by Poison from the Hard Rock Cafe loudspeakers. The saree-clad Desi camp settled in opposite the aquarium where bullhorns shepherded sunstroked parents and children through a multitude of lines.
6) African American Festival at M&T Bank Stadium features poetry slam, spelling bee, health education fair, and $5000 VIP cabana seats.
5) Fort McHenry revelers commemorate the day with fife and drum music, cannon-firing, poetry reading, musket salute for 18 states, period games, feasting and historic toasts… and hanging King George in effigy.
4) Crab permeates air, shards of claws appear in gutters, your neighbor’s fingernails are crusted with Old Bay.
3) Sno-Balls trump Bomb Pops. Souse that sucker in Blue Raspberry, Cherry and Vanilla.
2) The roofs in Fell’s fit together like jigsaw squares. From the ubiquitous wooden decks, roof hopping becomes a competitive sport (Ray Ray, the hahbor view’s better down here!).
1) It’s 3am and loud banging noises sound off in quick succession. POP POP POP POP!! Firecrackers, faulty wiring exploding, or semiautomatic weapons?
God bless America.
0 responses so far ↓
There are no comments yet...Kick things off by filling out the form below.